Flat Earth Society Proclaims South Pole is the Center of the Earth

The following story was inspired by my very cool, adventurous brother Alan. He spent more than 7 years in Antarctica. He assures me that Antarctica is a place where fact is usually stranger than fiction. The Flat Earth Society is a real-life organization whose existence confirms truth often is stranger than fiction. As for me, I love to take small truths and stretch them out to great exaggerations.

The following story was just received from the South Pole:

Flat Earth Society Proclaims South Pole is the Center of the Earth!
Toilet Bowl Water Rotation Remains a Mystery


SOUTH POLE STATION - South Pole technician Fungus LaRue reports that recently he met an Antarctic exploration team from the Flat Earth Society, a fundamentalist Christian group that insists the earth is flat and scientists don’t know how to park a bicycle.

The Flat Earth Antarctic Expedition arrived at the South Pole in a caravan of four snow-cats. Immediately a crowd of South Pole station people surrounded the caravan. They had one universal question, “Do you have any alcohol with you?” The leader of the group introduced himself as the Reverend Bobby Lee. Reverend Lee replied, “No friends, drinking alcohol is against our religion. One of our snow-cats is full of Bibles and religious books to help bring religion to Antarctic residents like you.” Upon hearing this, the South Pole Station crew disappeared, in Fungus’ words, faster than a small fart in a big blizzard.

Despite the threat of religious salvation, Fungus stuck around and asked, “So, Reverend, what brings you and your crew down to the South Pole?” The Reverend replied, “We are the Antarctic Expedition from the Flat Earth Society. We will prove that the Earth is flat and are searching for the edge of the earth. I should advise you that there is no such thing as the ‘South Pole.’ You’ve been deceived by the carnival show being staged by the scientific community and the One World Government conspiracy. By the way, although we do not have any alcoholic beverages we do have one special lady along with us. Mr. Fungus, I would like you to meet Sister Christie Jones, Miss Flat Earth 2005.”

Fungus looked at her in appreciation, “It is a tremendous pleasure to meet you Miss Flat. There are very few women down here in Antarctica and we all wear many clothes to stay warm. We figure any woman must be gorgeous who can wear 25 Kilograms of warm clothing and still look a little bit like a human. And I must say, Miss Flat, you definitely look a little bit human!”

Fungus couldn’t see Miss Flat’s expression beneath her hood, hat, goggles, and scarf. But she nodded her head and said, “Why thank you, I think. That is the most ... uh.... unique compliment I’ve ever received.”

Fungus reluctantly returned his attention back to the Reverend, “What do you mean the earth is flat? Everyone knows it is spherical.”

“Nonsense! Anyone with eyes can tell the earth is flat and knows it until the evil scientists tell him otherwise.” retorted the Reverend, “Look around you, what do you see?”

“Miles and miles of snow and ice.”

“Precisely. You don’t see a spherical curve in the land. All you see is a bunch of snow and ice for as long as the eye can see with a few icy hills thrown in for good measure. Believe your eyes and believe the word of God. The Bible tells us that God created the earth below and the heavens above. That means the earth is flat. If the earth were spherical the Bible would say that God created the earth inside and the heavens outside. It is impossible to be a good Christian and believe that the earth is spherical. You wouldn’t want people to call you a poor Christian would you?”

“Reverend, I’ve been called much worse than that. My parents named me ‘Fungus.’ I thought Magellan proved the earth is round centuries ago when he sailed around the world.”

The Reverend smiled indulgently, “Magellan and many others since have circumnavigated the globe in an east-west direction. All they proved is that the world is a flat disk that rotates around the center, like a giant pizza or music CD. No one circumnavigates the globe in the north-south direction. It just can’t be done. That is our mission on this trip; to find the edge of the earth and to circumnavigate it. Go ahead, ask me some harder questions.”

“Why can I see the curvature of the earth when flying in an airplane?”

“The windows on the plane are curved and distort your view.”

“What about the pictures from space that show the earth is spherical?”

“The so called ‘space programs’ are nothing but a sorry film show staged by the One World Government group. Their special effects aren’t even very impressive. If you were to judge by the quality of the special effects, there is more evidence that we’ve been at war with Klingons than that we’ve landed men on the moon.”

“Why are radio waves only good on a line of sight basis.”

“Scientific propaganda. Actually, the earth’s gravity pulls the radio waves down to the ground, limiting their range.”

“Why do days get shorter in winter and longer in the summer.”

“Elementary physics, everyone knows that things shrink when they get cold and expand when they get hot.”

“Explain why you can buy navigation devices for 300 dollars that read signals from Global Positioning Satellites to tell your position anywhere in the world within 30 meters?”

At this point one of the other Flat Earthers interrupted, “Wait a minute. Boss, do you mean that for a measly 300 bucks we could have bought a navigation receiver? We would not have been lost for the last three weeks?”

“Quiet down, Billy Ray!” said the Reverend, “You can’t trust those GPS units. The signals are broadcast and controlled by the One World Government group. We will never find the edge of the world with their signals.”

Fungus pulled out another argument, “OK Reverend, how do you explain Coriolis effects, the forces that cause storms, tornados, and hurricanes to rotate counterclockwise in the northern hemisphere and clockwise in the southern hemisphere? If the earth is one giant spinning music CD, storms should rotate the same way on both sides of the equator.”

“They do rotate the same on both sides of the so-called ‘equator.’ The scientists just show it otherwise on TV to fool you into believing them.”

“The scientists may fool me with their TV shows. But I’ve got better proof. Flushed toilet water rotates counterclockwise in the northern hemisphere and clockwise in the southern hemisphere. Explain how a spinning music CD would cause that.”

“Now who are you going to believe, the Bible or your toilet? By the way, what kind of person spends a lot of time studying which way their toilet flushes?”

“It is boring down here sometimes. But people who wander around Antarctica without alcohol or a navigation receiver don’t have much room to make fun of me.”

The Reverend sighed, “Well I suppose it will take a while to make you see the truth. But we must find the edge of the earth and our compass hasn’t been working well lately. Can you tell me which way is south?”

“Sure can, Reverend. We are south, as far as it ever gets. In fact, from here you can’t even go east or west. Any way you look is north. You are even going north when you dig a hole in the ground. By the way, Reverend, I can tell you why your compass isn’t working but you wouldn’t believe me.”

The Reverend looked even more disappointed and said, “What we have here is a failure to communicate. We are looking for the edge of the world and we’ll keep traveling until we find it. Mister Fungus, please stop telling me nonsense about the so called South Pole. I understand that you people must move the pole every year because scientists claim the ‘center of rotation’ is constantly changing. That should show you what a deception all this is. You don’t see the Bible changing every year.”

Billy Ray spoke up, “Reverend, why must we keep traveling around? We’ve been lost for three weeks, wandering around in circles for all I know.”

Fungus felt sorry for Miss Flat and Billy Ray. But realized he couldn’t win a debate with the Reverend. He decided to give them what they wanted. “You guys may be missing the obvious solution. Maybe this is the center of the music CD. Think about it. Most sea ships go south of Africa and South America to travel around the earth. That could be because THIS is the center of the earth and going south makes for a shorter sailing distance. I’ll bet the edge of the music CD is up North.”

The Reverend brightened up and exclaimed, “That’s it, by the grace of God! The only way to explain our inability to find the edge of the earth is that this is the center of the earth! Brothers and Sister! We have discovered the center of the world! We must commemorate this solemn occasion by sinking a pole and flag to mark the location and by offering a prayer of thanksgiving.”

“Pray all you want, Reverend, but you need to hurry. You should just sign the register book and take pictures. Then you better get back to the coast quick before the last boat leaves for the winter.”

Miss Flat spoke up again, “Mister Fungus, I’ve never given much thought about the direction toilets swirl, and I can’t remember when I last sat on a warm toilet seat. Do you mind if we come in, get warm, and use your toilets?”

Fungus shook his head, “Sorry, it’s against company policy for us to assist people who travel through here. Safety concerns or something. You know how lawyers are. And by the way, I hope you guys aren’t leaving yellow and brown snow everywhere. This continent is international territory controlled by the United Nations. They don’t want people polluting the place. The UN guys claim that one yellow hole in the snow will last for years. Environmentalists say that yellow snow will last for centuries down here. Personally, I think it gets covered during the first wind or snow storm. But who am I? I just live here. Anyway, those are the rules... no yellow or brown snow in Antarctica. ‘Pack it in, pack it out,’ as the United Nations people say.”

Billy Ray was exasperated, “But what are we supposed to put it in so we can haul it out?”

“Plastic bags, paper bags, backpacks, parkas... it doesn’t matter to me. Just don’t leave any of your waste around here and don’t let any government people catch you leaving it anywhere else.

The Reverend snarled, “Those One World Government maniacs are at it again. Someday we will put them in their place. At any rate, we can’t let this spoil our fabulous discovery. The CENTER OF THE WORLD! We MUST get back and tell everyone about this. This is as significant as the discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls. We’ll be famous. I can’t wait to get back and tell the world about it. And trust me, Mister Fungus, we aren’t greedy, we will make sure you get full credit for assisting us in this discovery.”

“I wish you wouldn’t do that, Reverend. I like being anonymous, especially on this matter.”

“God bless you, Mister Fungus, for your humility. But I insist, your name will go down with the rest of ours for proving that the Earth is flat.”

The Flat Earthers took their pictures, climbed back into their snow-cats, and headed north... whichever way that was. Fungus watched them go, shaking his head and thinking about his new place in history.