English Language Lesson: Euphemism

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Hide your dagger behind a smile

Today’s English lesson is the term Euphemism: alternate words and phrases that are used to be more polite, formal, or less harsh. It is our way to tell a polite lie, a non-truth, that makes difficult subjects easier. For instance: what should you say when your boss asks what you think of his very rude wife? NEVER SAY THE TRUTH. Always find a euphemism to hide what you really think. Maybe you should try, “She certainly is a unique individual.”


I love euphemisms. They add cushion to the sharp edges of our difficult lives. It is almost impossible to be good at English language without understanding the many small lies we use. Let me give you some examples.

Restroom = toilet. Many people call the toilet the rest room. Few people actually rest in that room. They do their business and leave.

Previously owned = used. You are looking to purchase a car. You can’t afford new. Does the salesman say the truth? The car was built 40 years ago. It has only two colors: brown and rust. The tires have no rubber. The engine will last for exactly 3 weeks. Does the salesman say “used car”? No he says it is previously owned. Yes – previously owned by the Mongolian Genghis Khan.

Handyman’s dream = house that is falling apart. A “handyman” is a man who enjoys working on a house, wood working, plumbing, and other repair work. "Handyman's dream" gives a vision of enjoying leisure time to improve your house. "Nightmare" is the true story. One of my friends bought a house described as a “handyman’s dream.” The winter winds howled through the holes around the windows. The floor was tilted steep enough for a snow ski resort. Green moss was growing in the toilet. And a vine grew inside the house between the wall and wallpaper, popping out through a hole in the wallpaper. He had a nice flower but didn’t know how to water it. Never buy a house described as a “handyman’s dream.” “Bottomless hole in which to throw your money” is the true description.

Massage parlor. Sometimes you get only a massage. Other times business men get much more than a massage. That’s what I’ve heard through other people. I am afraid of these places. I want to remain a virgin.

Passed on = dead. When our grandmother dies, we say, “She passed on.” I think that means someone “passed on” to the next life. I hope the next life is good.

Between jobs = unemployed. I love this one. I will save this phrase for future use with my mother-in-law. I’m not a worthless failure! I am between jobs!

Great personality = woman or man is not good looking. I HATE it when someone says I have a great personality. It’s better to be handsome, charming, extremely attractive, smart, witty, and elegant. Those words describe me perfectly….In my dreams anyway.

The problem is me, not you = the nice way to dump your boyfriend or girlfriend. Translation: it really is you. I can’t stand the sight of you. I found someone much better.

Of course I like euphemisms because telling lies and stories is one of my great joys in life. I hope someday you learn to lie nearly as well as me. Then we can enjoy dinner, some drinks, and say good lies about each other!