Saying Yes and No in Different Cultures

My friends often ask me about the differences in methods to say “yes” and “no” in different cultures. They ask if this causes any problems for me. I agree that this simple communication problem causes my biggest headaches in dealing with another culture. I still can’t tell if I should agree or disagree, or whether or not I have permission to do something. I just follow instructions and try not to make problems. My friends say it must be very challenging to be an American dealing with Asian culture. What?? When did I say anything about Asian culture? I was referring to the widest cultural difference of all – men and women.

As a simple ordinary man, I have no idea whether I should agree or disagree with women. Maybe you think the most dangerous thing a man can do is fight 3 men with knives? Or maybe climb a steep rock cliff with no ropes? Or maybe fight in a war? No way. These things are easy. The most dangerous thing for a man is to go clothes shopping with his wife or girlfriend. She tries on some new clothing, looks in the mirror and says, “Oh, this makes my butt look a little fat, don’t you think?” That is a simple question with no safe answer. If he agrees with her, then she starts crying, “WAAAHHHH!! You think I look FAT!! You sleep outside with the dogs tonight!” If he disagrees and says she looks beautiful, then she starts crying, “WAAAHHHH!!!! You never tell me the truth! You sleep outside with the dogs tonight!” So instead the poor man just panics, starts screaming and runs out the door as fast as possible, knocking down clothes racks and other shoppers in his rush to leave. A couple weeks later she asks, “Why don’t you go clothes shopping with me?”

After many years I’ve started to learn when yes = no. Here is one easy example. It is your wife’s birthday but your friends are going to have a big card game all night long. What should you do? Take your wife to dinner or play cards with your friends? You ask your wife and she appears to be very reasonable. She says, “Do whatever you want.” What a FANTASTIC wife! So of course you buy a birthday gift for her and go play cards with your friends. When you stagger home at 2:00 in the morning you find the door locked, a folded blanket outside, and a note that says, “SLEEP OUTSIDE WITH THE DOGS!” And she didn’t even leave a pillow. That was when I learned that “do whatever you want” actually means NO!!

To tell you the truth I stopped trying to understand women. Now I just do whatever I’m told. Besides, my dog says I’m becoming too fat to sleep with him anymore.

Compared to women, understanding Asian culture is very easy. However, it takes some time for us Westerners to learn the meanings of yes and no.

“Yes” is a very easy word for Western culture. It means yes, agreement, OK.

In Asia “yes” is completely different. 85% of the time “yes” simply means “I understand”, certainly not agreement. 10% of the time “yes” means “no”. And 5% of the time “yes” really does mean yes or agreement. In my conversations I know that 5% of the time “yes” = agree, but I still have no idea which 5%.

My first meeting with a Japanese company was a disaster. The Japanese businessmen came to our factory in California, sat in a long meeting with us, and said “Yes” to everything. My boss was happy at the very successful business meeting and he won every point. The next week we learned the Japanese had a very different view. They did not seem to agree with anything. My boss became very angry that the terrible Japanese people made agreements, and then changed their mind later. The Japanese, on the other hand, didn’t understand why my boss was so angry. They didn’t agree to anything, they simply stated their understanding.

I am starting to learn when “yes” = “no.” “Yes but…” = no. For instance I want to bring friends to dinner at the house of my adopted Chinese sister. Little Sister wants to say NO but instead says, “Yes but…” As a Westerner it takes me some time to understand. I say, “Can I bring a couple friends to your house for dinner?” She says, “Yes but my house is a terrible mess.” I say no problem I’ll come over early and help clean it up. She says, “Yes but I don’t have enough dishes and glasses for many people.” I say no problem. I’ll buy some paper dishes and plastic cups for the occasion. She says, “Yes but my stove is too small to cook a lot of food.” I say no problem. I’ll order a restaurant to deliver food. She says, “Yes but my radio is broken and I couldn’t play any music.” I say no problem, I’ll sing and dance. All this time Sister is extremely annoyed that I don’t understand her. Finally she yells at me, “NO NO NO NO NO!! Why can’t you understand I don’t want your stupid friends in my house!!” I look puzzled and ask, “Why didn’t you just say so?”

How can I tell when “yes” = agreement. I have no idea.

“No” is a very simple word in Western culture. We simply say “no” or “No, thank you.”

Asian culture is completely different. It is considered terribly impolite to say “no.” Instead Asians have found many ways to say no without actually saying no. This comes from ancient days when average people had no defense against kings, soldiers, and other important people. If a peasant made a king or soldier angry, the peasant’s head was quickly cut off. After several centuries a famous Chinese scholar discovered that a head works better when it’s still attached to the body. This important scientific discovery caused a huge change in Chinese society. Many ways were invented for peasants to say no and still keep their head.

This method to avoid confrontation causes big problems between Asians and Westerners. Many Westerners believe Asians are deceptive and cannot be trusted. Many Asians believe Westerners are rude and arrogant. Asians look closely at our necks and wonder how our heads are still attached. But the cultures are simply different.

In Asia, the most popular way to say “no” is to say “difficult.” For instance, one time I wanted a copy of our factory’s certificate of Japanese government approval. We contacted our Japanese sales representative and asked for the certificate. They said, “Unfortunately the certificate is very difficult. It is written in Japanese language.” After 2 weeks we didn’t receive the certificate. We wrote another letter, “Please send the certificate. No problem for Japanese language. We’ll have it translated.” The sales representative replied, “Yes but it’s written in very difficult technical Japanese. Most Japanese people don’t know the technical words.” 2 more weeks passed without any certificate. We wrote, “Please send the certificate. Technical words are OK. We found an engineering professor to translate for us. Please send it anyway.” The certificate never arrived. Once again my boss was angry.

Western “difficult” is easy to understand. It means that something is difficult but we will try our best to solve the challenge.

Asian “difficult” is much more complex. It has 3 meanings. 1) This task is impossible. 2) I don’t want to do it. 3) It’s difficult but I’ll try my best. Sometimes I hear a Chinese or Japanese person say “difficult”. I am always tempted to ask, “Which version of difficult?”

Another “no” is to say, “I will think about that,” or “We will consider and research this proposal.” Western businessmen rarely understand that the thinking, considering, and research will occur in about 500 years, maybe longer. They have a meeting and the Asian company president promises to consider and research the Western proposal. The Western company president is very happy. Two weeks later he contacts the Asian president and asks if the research had discovered any new ideas or questions? The Asian president is puzzled. What research? What consideration?

This difference can also cause big problems between Western and Asian boyfriends and girlfriends. The Western man goes to meet his Chinese girlfriend’s family. The parents are a little bit suspicious but their daughter loves this strange man very much. They ask will he move to Beijing and marry her?

The young man wants to tell the truth to his future family. He wants to say that it is a big challenge for a foreigner to get a good job and move to Beijing. He is applying for jobs and trying to find the best way. So he says, “That’s very difficult. I’m considering and researching this idea.” Mom and Dad get very angry and stop talking for the rest of the evening.

On the way home in the taxi, his girlfriend says, “YOU! SLEEP OUTSIDE WITH THE DOGS!!!” The poor puzzled boyfriend has no idea what went wrong. He asks, “When can I see you again?” The girlfriend gives him a poison look and says, “Hmmm, let me think about it.”

That night the poor boyfriend telephones his father and asks for advice. His father says, “Don’t worry. Women are the same all over the world. There is only one thing you can do.” The son asks, “What is that?” Father laughs and says, “Buy a warm, comfortable, and friendly dog.”