DON'T SCREW WITH ME, I'M FROM AMERICA!!!

假 癡 不 癲
Look stupid but be smart

“Don’t screw with me! I’m from America!” Groaning with dismay, I listened to this many times the other night. Sometimes I wish I was from another country that everyone loves – maybe Japan…uh,er, correction…Canada. Why is it that only rude people are so very loud and proud?

The worst part of all this? The “Loud Proud American” was actually a very drunk Korean housewife – a Drunk Ajuma, in Korean language – we’ll call her “DA.” In Korea, they say there are 3 types of people: men, women, and Ajuma (middle-aged and older women). I was in the presence of the Type 3: Middle-aged Ajuma. Apparently DA lived in California for a brief time – therefore she was “from America.”

Drunk Ajuma proclaimed loudly that she was a senior spy for the American government – Section 3 (so secret I never heard of it), but she can’t say any more than that. Her husband is a top spy for the Korean government. Together, there is no place I can hide from them. If she wants, she and her husband could have me killed just like that! Judging from the alcohol content of her breath, I believed exactly what she said. One spark or match and the whole bar would explode in flames, killing us all immediately. One kiss and any normal man would die instantly from alcohol poisoning.

Carefully watching my beer, I thought this was a great disguise – no one would ever suspect that a drunken Korean Ajuma would be one of America’s top spies. That could explain the success of the Korean/American comedian Margaret Cho. Hmmm…very clever.

DA started draping herself over me, trying to get the attention of me or my friend Mr. Song. I started wondering how to escape from the situation without getting killed by alcohol poisoning from her fiery breath. Fortunately my friends in the bar dragged her away and tucked her into a taxi.

Before leaving, DA demanded to know my name. Carefully I wrote down my name, “Richard Cheney.” Her American and Korean spy network should easily find the American Vice President. DA didn’t recognize the name but she assumed I was lying. She glared at me and said – “Give me your CORRECT name! DON'T SCREW WITH ME! I’M FROM AMERICA!!!”

I shrugged and said, “That’s OK, OK. Richard Cheney is my real name, no worries. I would never lie. You can trust me. I’m from America.”

I’ll never understand why, but she left quietly. Maybe she thought I was ALSO an American spy.