Polygamy in USA: Seldom Seen Smith Lives!

In some places in America, some people still live in polygamous families - families with one father and multiple wives. I wrote this letter as a humorous fiction - all the names are fictitious. The character of Seldom Seen Smith is borrowed from Edward Abby's fine novel The Monkey Wrench Gang.

Proposal for Marriage, from Seldom Seen Smith

To: Miss Elizabeth Lee

Dear Miss Lee;

I am writing this letter because we met briefly at the restaurant in Moab. I said to myself, “That girl is very beautiful. She’s pretty enough to make a man forget any other woman.” Then God scolded me for my impure thoughts. Gold told me that I should marry you and share a lifetime of happiness with you. Usually I am quite shy and would never approach a fine lady like you. However I cannot ignore a Commandment from God. Therefore I am writing to humbly offer myself as a husband.

Now I understand you are not the type of woman to marry someone sight unseen. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. My name is Joseph Smith, named after my great grandfather, the founder of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the Mormon Church. I am a little bit older than you, I admit. But that should be no problem. I am hard working and very intelligent. I can work one of these here computers. I am clean and well groomed, extremely handsome for my age, still have some of my own teeth, and am still able to drive a car at night. I have a romantic heart. I know how to treat women right and make them feel wanted.

Although I was raised a Mormon, I have to warn you that the Church and I don’t agree on everything. My bishop thinks that I’ve strayed from the True Path (“rocketed himself off it like a ballistic missile,” he likes to say) and he calls me a randy old goat. The bishop claims he likes to keep me around as a good example of the power of religion... the “BEFORE” example, that is. That old fool has a colorful way with words and he likes to exaggerate. I prefer to believe that I’m an independent thinker who happens to think women are good clean fun.

I currently have six wonderful wives, so if you marry me you would be fortunate enough to become number seven. I have two wives in northern Utah, two in southern Utah, and two in southern Wyoming. It takes me some time to visit each of them. Therefore my wives started calling me “Seldom Seen” Smith. Now they just call me Seldom and some seldom call me. I believe that women are like mares; some are best for working, some for breeding, and some are best for pleasure riding. If you will excuse the coarse language, my current wives are now good for breeding and working. I need a good young mare for pleasure riding.

Someone as beautiful as you might already have a man. That’s OK. He can join our family. Although my horns are still hard, it’s getting more difficult for an old bull like me to handle a herd of women all by myself. If your man is healthy enough, I could teach him how to be “Seldom Seen II.” Or if he has enough strength to handle 7 women all at the same time (something I don’t recommend), he could be “Often Seen” while I just stop by occasionally to poke around a bit.

Now you may wonder if my polygamous family is legal. I am pleased to announce it is. My wife Betsy is an attorney and my wife Barbara is an excellent accountant. They got together and formed our family into a corporation. They jokingly call it a “Subchapter P” corporation for the purposes of polygamy. The way I see it, my “P corporation” makes a lot more sense than the gay homosexual marriages everyone is talking about these days. With my wealth and the ladies’ brains, we have a good thing going. Our corporation offers generous profit sharing bonuses, insurance policies, investment funds, pension plans, and college education funds for the kids. I will ask my wife Belinda to send you a copy of our annual report including a picture of me, my six wives, and 54 children. I can’t remember how many grandchildren and great grandchildren I have. Let’s just say that the family name Smith will live on for a good long time.

Miss Lee, please think about my proposal and pray for guidance. God told me this is the right thing to do and I hope he will tell you the same. You can contact me at the address shown below when you decide to marry me and join our happy family.

Please don’t take too much time making up your mind. I once asked a fine young girl named Bess to marry me and be the mother of my children. She got a mean look in her eyes and asked just how many children I had. By the time I counted them all, Bess had already married another guy and had two kids of her own. You can understand that I’ve learned to move quickly. I hope to hear from you soon.

Your humble servant,

Joseph Seldom Seen Smith

Rural Route 2
Rattlesnake Pass, Utah 84099
USA