Japanese create Toilet Nirvana

Modern toilet seats in Japan are truly amazing feats of technology. Every time I visit Japan, I shake my head and imagine that Japanese people must have the cleanest, most hygienic back-sides in the world...not that I'm doing a close inspection, mind you.

These toilet seats are a little intimidating to many Westerners. The first time I saw one of these, I worried that I might be sitting down on a computer. (I guess "laptop computer" wouldn't be the proper name.) I worried a lot: was there a digital camera built in? Was it some form of automated acupuncture? I didn't dare push any of the buttons. In the end (so to speak) there was nothing to worry about.

These toilet seats feature some great technology. First, the seat is always warm -- a great feature in winter. Next, you can push a button so that the toilet makes a continuous flushing sound. This is very helpful for those shy people who don't want anyone else to hear them doing their toilet business. In small Japanese apartments and offices, this can be a crucial consideration. Before this invention, many Japanese women would continuously flush the toilet so nobody else could hear their body functions. Now, voila! One push of the button makes the sound of continuous flushing without the effort.

Naturally, the toilet seat goes down automatically after men are finished. No more fights about why the husband cannot remember to put the seat back down -- especially on a cold dark night.

The most amazing thing about the Japanese toilet seats is the automatic spray to clean your bottom. As soon as you finish your business, push a button and a small nozzle moves into place and sprays a jet of warm water. It's like an automatic car wash for your butt. Can you believe this? Sit down, do your business and then get washed off. For a long time, I couldn't trust this idea. I am a mountain climber and karate black belt. I am comfortable wandering in mountains, deserts, or floating down wild rivers. But for a long time I was afraid to try the spray nozzle. Finally I gathered my courage, puckered up my back-side, and gave it a shot. It wasn't so bad, rather pleasant actually. And it did a great job of cleaning those hard to reach areas. Suddenly there were no more automobile tire tracks in my shorts.

I must add a note of caution to first time users. I read about one American woman who sat down on one of these seats on her first evening in Tokyo. She had no idea what this thing was. Out of curiosity she pushed the button and, with no warning, she got sprayed on her backside. The poor woman was so shocked that she nearly jumped through the ceiling. There is an English saying that "curiosity killed the cat." In this instance, that saying almost came true.

The nozzle sprayers are supposed to prevent a whole host of health problems; such as hemorrhoids; colorectal, vaginal or perineal surgery; and soreness and bleeding of diarrhea. Amazing, don't you think? With these toilets, proctologists' jobs might come to an end. (yes, I know, their job already is at the end.)

Yes, the Japanese have invented toilet Nirvana, the best toilet seats in the world. However, they are never content with the status quo. Kaizen - the art of continuous improvement - is the driving philosophy of Japanese business. Japanese always strive to improve things, and toilet seats are no exception. Here are some of their recent improvements.

deodorizer: automatically removes the odor and smell from the toilet while you are sitting down. When I was a small child, I would have LOVED this feature after my dad spent 45 minutes sitting on the toilet. I was certain that the environmental protection agency would condemn our house if they could have pinpointed the source of those fumes.

warm air drier and perfume sprayer: yes, after your bottom is properly cleaned with the warm water jet, another nozzle will come out and dry you with warm air, scented with the perfume of your choice. I always wondered why so many Japanese women smell like Chanel number 5.

MP3 music player: the new toilet seats will play your favorite songs as soon as you sit down. No more need to listen to the sound of continuous flushing to drown out the sounds of your body functions. I can't wait to sit down on the toilet and relax while the toilet plays the AC-DC song "DIRTY DEEDS, DONE DIRT CHEAP!"

EMAIL: yes, you saw this correctly...email. Within a few years, these toilet seats will be able to monitor your toilet activity and email the results to your doctor, nurse, or health care professional. This is considered a huge help for sick elderly people who would otherwise be in a nursing home. The doctor would be able to monitor the patient's urinary and scatological activity without need to see each other...uh..er..face to face. OK. This sounds good for certain limited instances of poor health. But I would be terrified if the American government can spy on my bathroom activity. You see, I have a secret. After I do my business on the toilet I usually say something like, "For a small Bill Clinton flush once, for a large George Bush flush twice." I might be arrested for threatening to flush a president.

These toilet seats are very popular in Japan, installed in about 70% of homes. The price is not too terribly expensive: about US$500 to US$800, depending on the options. For some reason they are non-existant in the USA, even though these high-tech seats can easily be installed on American toilets. I'm thinking of buying one for my mom. I think it would be pretty cool to brag that my mother has the cleanest backside in the whole town of Truth or Consequences, New Mexico (population 7200 people). Not only that, my mother's farts smell like Chanel number 5. I'm just wondering if I should wait for the email feature to be available. On second thought, I better not wait. Mother's Day will be here soon.